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Chaos in Crystal
Cast * Razor - Barry Gordon * T-Bone - Charles Adler * Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille * Commander Feral – Gary Owens * Lieutenant Toby Furlong - Kevin Conroy * Mayor Manx – Jim Cummings * Fido Furlong - Heidi Shannon Guest Cast (in order of appearance): * Dr. Leiter Greenbox – Robert Patrick * Rex Shard – John Vernon * Chauffeur – John Rubinow Supporting Cast (in order of appearance): * Warden Cyrus Meece – Jim Cummings * Talon – Maurice LaMarche * Lem – Barry Gordon * Prison Guard #1 – Maurice LaMarche * Prison Guard #2 – Rob Paulsen * Enforcer Commando #1 – Barry Gordon * Enforcer Commando #2 – Jim Cummings * Ann Gora – Candi Milo * Bratty Little Kid – Candi Milo * Bystanders – ? * Jonny K. – Townsend Coleman Transcript Act One Razor: Nothin' like a desert on a hot and sweet sandy place. We sure have any more often for a great time today! T-Bone: Yep. Nothin’ like a desert test run! We should do this more often, buddy! Razor: Uh, T-Bone, we’re here to test my missiles, not your flying. All systems ready! T-Bone: Those test targets are sittin’ ducks! Razor, they’re shootin’ live ammo! Razor: My turn to have some fun! Hey it couldn’t be a real test unless there was some danger. Slicer Missiles, away! Bingo! Tank sushi. T-Bone: Tank sushi? Oh boy! Yum! Hey, Razor, didn’t you plant a few more targets? Razor: Correct. T-Bone: Heads up, pal. Three bogies closin’ fast from behind. Razor can deploy the Banshee Missiles, Razor: Correct. Do you thing! T-Bone: Your Banshee Missiles are good. But only this time...... Even your screamin’ demons shoulda done less yellin’ and and more swervin’. Razor: Less yellin' and more swerving'! Terrific saying, T-Boy! Okay. I gotta work on their guidance system, but ya gotta admit, they sound cool. I’ll finish off those drones the old fashioned way. Bingo! T-Bone: Let’s head home. You work on their guidance, and I gotta admit that those drones of the bogies got every closer for the Banshee stuff. Heads up. Meece: Glad you had time to pay us a visit, Mayor Manx. Manx: Very impressive, Warden Meece! Yours is the only Megakat City prison that pays for itself. Meece: My… “volunteer work program” sees to that. I use prisoners to mine the nearby mountain range for precious gems. Here’s this month’s take. More than enough to run the prison. (chuckles) Callie: (to herself) With plenty left over for himself. (aloud) Wouldn’t the extra money be better spent on the prisoners? Manx: Now, now, now, Callie. I’m sure the taxpayers appreciate all the Warden’s hard work. Meece: Well, they’ll soon appreciate it even more. Gem production is goin’ to triple, thanks to Dr. Greenbox here. Dr. Greenbox: You mean, thanks to my Gemkat 6000 mining machine. Meece: Right now, a workin’ model of this is bein’ tested by a prisoner at the mines. Callie: But is it safe? Manx: Eh, looks complicated. Dr. Greenbox: It’s really simple to use. You merely… Shard: …scrape this thing against the rock walls and diamonds just plop into it? What kind of a fool do ya take me for, Talon? Talon: The kinda fool servin’ a nine life sentence. Lem: But the Warden’s willing to shave some time for testing that stupid thing. Shard: The Warden? (spits) Meece is the only one gettin’ rich off this mine. And don’t get any uglier while I’m gone, ya jerks! Talon: C’mere, you hood! Lem: Power down, partner, he ain’t worth it. Shard: I wish they’d give me a bazooka to test. Kats alive! It’s the motherlode! Wow, let’s… let’s see what this baby can do. Hey, what gives? Full already? Let ol’ Rex Shard take a few off the top before Meece does. Lem: Look! Shard: What? What’s happening to me?! Lem: Get the van! Take it easy, Shard, we’ll get you to the prison doctor! Unh! Talon: Lem! Daywatch! Come in, we got big trouble! Shard: Goin’ somewhere, Talon? Manx: Sorry I have to rush off, Warden, but there’s pressing business that can’t start without me. Callie: The Manx Invitational Golf Tournament. Prison Guard #1: Warden, something’s going on at the mines! We can’t reach Talon! Meece: Sounds like trouble! Manx: Trouble? The Deputy Mayor’s my favorite troubleshooter! She can handle it. (nervous chuckle) Handle it, Callie… Callie: (annoyed) Enjoy your game, Mayor. Manx: Hurry, driver! I don’t want to be late for tee off. Chauffeur: Don’t worry, sir. Megakat Springs is only twenty minutes away. Callie: Let’s get Dr. Greenbox and go out to the mine. Razor: Ugh, T-Bone, For somebody who doesn't wanna go exploring, Looks like your compasses are so much vain! T-Bone: Look! My compasses are goin’ wacko! Razor: I’m trackin’ some weird traces about twenty five miles due Northeast, not so far from Megakat Maximum Prison! T-Bone: You mean, Southwest, Razor? Razor: Correct. T-Bone: Won’t hurt to go down and take a look. You said that some weird electromagnetic disturbance about twenty five miles due Southwest, I say I'm a dog! Prison Guard #2: Stop right there or I’ll fire! Shard: (straining) I’m… gonna get… you, Meece! (growls) Meece: Yes, a mining accident. Tell Commander Feral to get here, and fast! Aah! Shard: Just the kats I wanted to talk to. You and your gadget did this to me! Razor: T-Bone, I’m trying to distress calls from the prison! T-Bone: You're intercepting. Mr. Razorman did a great job for using the Banshee Missiles are deployed. Don't leave base without 'em. Meece: Now, now, Shard, I’m sure we can work this out! (gasps) Shard: Work this out! (laughs) Dr. Greenbox: Wait, I can help you! Shard: Who says I need your help? Ow! Callie: The SWAT Kats! Razor: Do your whip! Looks like it'll whip 'em. Hey it's Callie! What are you doin’ here, Ms. Briggs? Callie: It was either this or golf, and you know how I feel about golf. Dr. Greenbox: What the–-?! (gasps) Shard: (gasps, grunts) Callie: Dr. Greenbox, what’s going on in there? Razor: She always giving a good call for an any day, T-Boy. T-Bone: Uh-oh! We’ve got big problems! Act Two Shard: (growls) The famous SWAT Kats, huh? Do your worst! There’s nothing I can’t handle! Nothing! Greenbox! Razor: I don’t really think I like his attitude. Let’s cut some crystal! T-Bone: Boy, I should've known. Shard: What’s the matter, SWAT Kats? Can’t cut it? (laughs) Razor: Swing around, we’ll have to try something else! Feral: Back off, SWAT Kats! The Enforcers are here! Razor: Looks like he’s tougher than we both thought, huh Commander? Feral: Enforcers, move in! Razor: Bad move! You don’t know what this creature can do! Enforcer Commando #1: Holy kats! Enforcer Commando #2: Jump! Razor: You can count on Razor and T-Bone! T-Bone: Count? I warned ‘im! Hang on! Callie: Dr. Greenbox, you said you could help him. Can you? Greenbox: Maybe! But I need to get back to my lab! Callie: Then let’s go! Shard: And this is for you, Commander Feral! Where do you think you’re going, Doc? Razor: Callie’s makin’ a run for it. Get closer, we’ve gotta give her cover fire! T-Bone: We’re hit! Razor: Yeah, but Callie got away! T-Bone: What's the big idea, hotshot? Razor: Not enough power to maneuver! Gotta land this bird for repairs! T-Bone: Oh boy, it won't shut it off! I'm gonna be plane sick! Shard: Run, you cowards! Rex Shard is bigger and badder than ever! (laughs) Feral: This is Feral! Bring me chopper backup! Ann: The crowd is frozen with tension as the honorable Mayor Manx addresses the ball for the last hole of his own tournament. This is Ann Gora of Kat’s Eye News. And this is the most boring day of my career. The SWAT Kats! Well, things are looking up. Manx: (annoyed gibberish) Those blasted SWAT Kats spoiled my putt! But if nobody minds, I’ll be taking that shot over. This is my tournament after all. Oooh oooh, and by the way, AKA Razorman and T-Boy! Da da da da da da! Bratty Little Kid: We don’t mind, but I think he does! Shard: (growls) Manx: Feral, you’ve got to do something! Feral: Relax, Mr. Mayor! The Enforcers are here! Lt. Toby: You're right, sir! Fido: Rex Shard was I'm gonna blast those Lt. Toby: Fido, you're very little and you better stay in put! Fido: But I Lt. Toby: Fine! Fido: Yaay! Feral: Give up, Shard, you’re surrounded! Shard: When are you fools gonna wise up? Lt. Toby: Ready? Fido: Aim... Feral: Fire! Shard: You’re starting to annoy me, Feral! Let’s see what I can really do! (strains and grunts) Feral: What’s that crystal maniac up to? Shard: (growls) Bystanders: (various cries of confusion) What’s going on?! Manx: Huh?! Shard: So long, Megakat Springs! Next stop, Megakat City! (laughs) Feral: Not if I have anything to say about it! Shard: (continues laughing) Ann: And I thought this was going to be a slow news day! Feral: (weary) This is Feral. Bring me more chopper backup. Razor: Somethin' tells me that he's gonna shard into smithereens, Looks like he's making a jewelry easily. T-Bone: Too much damage! Can’t make it back to the hangar! We’re goin’ down! How’s it look, hotshot? Razor: Not good. A couple hours’ work at least! T-Bone: We don’t have a couple hours, buddy! Callie: (over the communicator) SWAT Kats, come in! Razor: We copy, Ms. Briggs. Where are you? Callie: Gemkat Labs, outside of Megakat Springs. Dr. Greenbox is rewiring his prototype mining device to try to reverse Shard’s condition, but only the Turbokat can get close enough to use it. T-Bone: We might have a little problem there. Callie: Uh-oh, I guess I’ve got a big problem here! Shard: (roars) Callie: Shard’s heading right for us! T-Bone: I’m on my way! Razor: Nice call for Callie, T-Boy. T-Bone: Yep, Nice turn taking, Razorman. Shard: Gemkat Labs, eh? Dr. Greenbox! I got a score to settle with ya! Dr. Greenbox: Almost finished! Callie: Later! We’ve got to get out of here! Shard: Greenbox! Callie: Oh! Dr. Greenbox! Shard: Why are you running? I thought diamonds were a girl’s best friend! (chuckles) Callie: I don’t like the setting! (grunts) Razor: Look's like she wants an awesome ride. T-Bone: Need a lift? Shard: No! Not so fast, hero! Callie: Hurry up, Razor! Razor: You can say that again. Callie: Faster, big fella! Razor: Just keep an eye on it, T-Bone! T-Bone: Uh-oh! I hope I guess we just ran outta road! Act Three Razor: Don't just stand there, T-Boy, Do some thrusters, Quick! T-Bone: Hang on! Emergency thrusters on! Shard: You little insects think you’ve escaped. But you’re doomed, anyway! You hear me? Doomed! (laughs) Callie: Better see if you can fix this, too. Dr. Greenbox didn’t have time, Razor. Razor: Me neither, Miss Briggs. Then, how about you? T-Bone: Neither do we. Shard’s heading for Megakat Dam. if he hits that reservoir, Megakat City is gonna be one dry town! Razor: I hope this works. It looks like who's heading for Megakat Dam for hitting this reservoir. T-Bone: Reservoir? Razor: Yeah. If it doesn’t, consider the Sandkat a farewell gift, Ms. Briggs. Callie: Good luck, guys! I wish I could be there with you. Hey, maybe I can! Down here! Razor: Shard’s gotta be at the end of this maze. T-Bone: End of the maze? Then let’s polish some crystal! Razor: Hey, this looks kinda familiar. T-Bone: It should. Razor: This is where we were testing our missiles. T-Bone: All right! I need another crack at this run! Rock and roll! Kats alive, look at the size of ‘im! Razor: It's a miracle! T-Bone: I hope Greenbox know what he was doin' and sayin'. Shard: (roars angrily) Razor: Oh my gosh! Looks like he got polished. T-Bone: Hope again, buddy. it can’t penetrate that crystal shell. Razor: Shard, listen to me! We’re trying to help you! Shard: No need for that! T-Bone: We blew it! Shard: (growls) Ann: And it looks like even the SWAT Kats are completely helpless against this crystal colossus! Shard: More company, eh? Well that’s okay! I’ve got plenty of pain to go around! Razor: Any ideas how do we can do to put a dent? T-Bone: Well I uh.....Crud! There must be something we can do to put a dent in that guy! Razor: Affirmative! We’ll hit him with these kind of Missiles! T-Bone: You called that? Banshee Missiles? Razor, those stuff are duds! Razor: Trust me! I’ve boosted the sonic pitch. They’ll shatter Shard into smithereens! T-Bone: You're boostin' the sonic pitch and shatter him like a big pane of glass. Shard: (screams in pain) Jonny: (gasps) Razor: On second thought, You think that will work? T-Bone: I told ya those Banshee stuff were duds! And we're the fastest Cement guns in the west! Shard: I’ve… had enough of you SWAT Gnats! Razor: We're not SWAT Gnats! We're SWAT Kats! Razor and T-Bone! T-Bone: Whoa! Razor: When did he pick up that trick?! Ann: Incredible! Rex Shard has focused the sun’s energy into a deadly laser! Shard: No interviews! Razor: Looks like who's trying to believe in our ways. T-Bone: Time to kick some crystal tail, Once it for all! Razor: T-Bone, who-what are you doing!? We’re… gonna come apart! T-Bone: Your idea! Sound is the only way to get through to ‘im! I’m gonna lower a Mach 5 sonic boom on that new age nightmare! Shard: Noooooooooo! Razor: Bingo! We did it! T-Bone: Better blast him with the Greenbox’s device and see if we can finish the job. Dr. Greenbox: (gasps) Manx: (gasps, yells) Whoooaaa-haaa-haaaa…! (coughs and splutters) Lem: (groans) Oooh… Feral: The Enforcers can handle it from here! It’s back to the brick litterbox for you, Shard. Lt. Toby: Mission Accomplished. Fido: Atta boy, Mr. Feral! Lt. Toby: Heh. (pats Fido) That's my squirt! Razor: Me and T-Boy sure did have a terrific time for exploring the Sandkat place. T-Bone: I’ll betcha two cases of tuna that Feral takes all the credit for this. Like, uh, didn't you use that Cement guns? Razor: Who cares? We’ve got better things to do. Maybe..How about pickin’ up some girls..? T-Bone: Good Idea. Razor: Looks like it's going to get us an extra career. T-Bone: You know what that means? It means... Rock and roll! Category:SWAT Kats episode transcripts Category:Season 1 Category:1993